vacation @ LANGKAWI #01

YES, I HAD SO MUCH FUN THERE!! ;D

dia.

Suddenly my mind was thinking about him. I still can't forget about him. I don't know whether he still remembered me or not.

May god bless him and I wish he have a blissful live.


Footnote: what a coincidence, the win amp keep on playing the songs that related to us. sangat cliche.

Just arrived.

Just arrived for few hours. Need to unpack, wash all the dirrrty clothes, upload those pictures, what else?

and this blog too, need some new look I guess..

Lots of thing to be update.

See ya soon.

now everyone can fly

Memang kena sangat dengan keadaan aku sekarang ni. Memang nak lari kejap dari perasaan yang kacau bilau ni.

I will be in holiday mood untuk beberapa hari ini. My flight petang ni. Destination? Still in Malaysia.

Selamat bercuti kepada saya dan rakan-rakan sekalian. Yeaaaah!

renovation and time off.

I will make major renovation on this blog. Need to update here and there. New layouts, new colors but I guess same contents. Still searching for perfect layouts and perfect time.

Will leaving home for at least 5 days starting from tomorrow. Going to island with 2 of my girlfriends. Cant wait to pamper myself and left all those problems here.

Take care and be good.

moodswingsla sangat

Entry kadang-kadang bercanggah. Kejap macam happy, kejap macam tak happy. Most of the entry semuanya sudah didraftkan. Tunggu masa untuk dipost je. So, kalau ada yang pelik sikit tu, ignore je.

Actually nak cakap, blog ni pun ada moodswings jugak.

tanpa tajuk #007

This guy, whom I met from the past, texting me, was asking about my life, relationships, stuff, what going on yada yada yada. And suddenly from joking around texting, it became serious. He suddenly asked me bout being together, like boyfriend and girlfriend. Acting like other couples but it has to be kept secret.

And I asked him what’s up with that? Oh oh, forget to state here, he just got engaged few months ago. And his fiancé is not in the same state with him, and he quite lonely at a time. He knew bout my status too. This thing came out when the other day, I and other half got conflict, and he tried to get in between it.

Last week he asked me out for quick dinner at The Curve. I accepted the invitation and met him. We talked about any issues for few hours and after that I pop up some drastic questions about the relationship that he talked few days before.

I asked him whether he felt guilty about us being together, and guess what he said, he told me that every guy even they already married, they still have affairs outside. And part of it, they still felt lonely. It’s like there still an empty space that they need to fill it up. I was pretty shocked about his statement. And I asked him again whether he loves his fiancé or not and why you guys get engage if you still wanna play around. The engage part was because of the family and how he felt about his fiancé, “she still in my heart, but I do need some other entertainment, even when I was in my hometown, I still curi-curi keluar with other girls” – he said to me.

Just imagine, if he already engage and still flirting around, what will happen in future? I don’t think that he will stop flirting and maybe it will become worst. He said he just want a simple relationship without commitment, and all he need just little bit of attention. I wonder what kind of attention that he wants. Keep thinking about it and I know what exactly that type of guy need. No simple attention actually that he seek but it’s more than that. I think most of us can think about it right.

So, after that meeting I said to myself that I won’t see him again. I know his attention. So I ignore him and act normal, like nothing was happen. Sometimes he texted me, asked me out to catch some late supper or watch movie together. I made so many excuses and I think he knew about it. I don’t want to make it more complicated as now I’m facing too many of crisis.

Well, actually this one happened few months ago. It was on my draft post. Need to put some ingredients to make it more fun. That issues already dropped just like that, and I hope he understand bout it. I’ll swear karma will punish him.

Shake it Move it

Lets have party tonight!!

*updated*

Its yearly party for the staffs again, party of the year that they waited for. This year DiGi hold Shake It Move It for the yearly event. Its start today since morning, but we start joined it after 5.30pm and yet I have to stayed back for the money collection and the finances reports. For being third person in the office not really fun for me, but boss give me lotsa authorities.

So do I have fun? Yup! For things happened to me previous week, it’s really help my day. Having fun with lots of colleagues, eating, drinking, dancing, what else should I put more?

Back home at 2a.m. other half was on the line with me, until I reached home. Mom and dad were not yet sleeping, I think because of they worried 'bout me. Almost 5 months I didn’t go back home late as the boyfriend was not in the same state with me. That’s why sometime I felt damn bored. Other half, please migrate here soon! ;D

I didn’t take any pictures but I will try to find it from everyone. I will update this post once I get those pictures.

4 days to go, can’t wait for it. Buhbye other half. ;D

.

I'm so in depressed mode.

the truth is out there...

The truth is already revealed. Tapi kesalahan lebih terarah kepada aku. Semuanya aku, akulah yang mulakan dulu, akulah yang nak sangat ada relationship dengan dia, akulah yang terhegeh-hegeh sebenarnya. Kalau nak percaya one side je, memanglah tak fairkan?

Almost everyday dia cakap ‘I love you, I miss you’ kat aku, aku cuma iakan saja. Bila aku cakap dia main-main, dia marahkan aku. Jadi senang cerita, layankan saja ape dia cakap. Dia cakap jugak, kalau dia kata dia sayang, he really mean it, dan aku cuba cari juga kepastiannya, tapi mungkin aku dah lali sangat dengan words yang macam tu, aku diamkan je.

Setiap malam jugak sebelum aku tidur, dia akan mainkan lagu untuk aku. Cakap saja lagu apa, dia akan google and at the same time practice dengan gitar dia. Sangat romantis bak kata orang, tidur bertemankan suara orang yang mendodoi kita hingga mata terlelap, dan tak lupa juga kata-kata indah.

Dan yang terbaru, dia bagi aku satu lagu yang lebih kurang ada kena mengena dengan kisah kami berdua, dan dia beritahu aku, setiap kali dia dengar lagu ini, dia akan teringatkan aku. Percayakah aku? Aku anggukkan juga. Dan dia kata juga dia letak gambar aku sebagai wallpaper handphone dia. Percayakah aku? Aku angguk lagi.

Sometimes when I think of him, I would ring him, but depends on the time. There’s eight hours gap between us. Normally it takes around few hours’ jugaklah the conversation until he falls asleep. But not everyday I called him, depends on that day. Kalau aku banyak kerja, I would not called him tapi kadang-kadang tu, dia akan miss called aku. Meaning that he actually looking for me kan? Jadi aku sorang je ke yang terhegeh-hegeh nak kat dia? Aku sorang je ke yang perasan sendiri?

Few days before, he told me that his ex girlfriend begging him to get back together. And I told him to think wisely about the decision because I know he still love that girl. When I told him that I can just walk away, because there’s nothing between us, he stopped me. He said he don’t want me to walk away. He wants me to stay. So should I believe it? Dan dalam pada masa yang sama, dia tahu status aku.

Nak dijadikan cerita, I blog hoping to his ex girlfriend’s blog, oh I’m such a stalker, and found out something. I asked him and he said they just a friend. Because previously I asked him to stay close to his ex because he said his ex would harm herself. To avoid such things, I asked him to get back together. Memanglah betul-betul drama ni happened kat aku, she said she already with him not as a friend, but more than that.

I called him, asked him bout it, macam-macamlah alasan dia cakap. And suddenly guess what he said, he want to commit with me. He wants to make a serious commitment with me. And he asked me to left the other half. Dang! Kat situ dah nampak sangat yang dia main-mainkan? I laughed. I just laughed what he just said. I found it funny. Bayangkanlah, tak sampai sebulan pun kenal, he already said like that.

My intention was to be a friend, not more than that, sebab aku tahu situasi dia yang dalam keadaan kelam kabut baru lepas broke up. Memang seronok berkawan dengan dia, sebab dia gila-gila. Ibarat satu kepala jugaklah, tapi tak sangka pulak, jadi macam ini. Aku tak tahu nak classifiedkan apa yang aku rasa. Marah? I’m not mad at all, just disappointed. Jadi orang ketiga tu satu hal, kena tipu pun satu hal jugak. It is hard for you to tell me the truth? And someone sent me his ym text log that contains evidences that I can say it really hurt me. Aku juga ada evidence yang boleh buat the other side terluka hati.

So, untuk tidak panjangkan cerita, baik aku tanya dia sendiri. He tried to escaped but I have to forced him. Aku malas nak panjang cerita lagi. Bila aku tanya semua benda, yes dia mengaku. Bila aku cakap dia main-main, dia deny. Bila aku cakap dia tipu aku, dia marah. And I asked him why, he said “u tau tak I sayangkan u, u tak macam dia. U know how to treat me, u know how to take care of me. Sebab tu I sayangkan u.”

Tapi lain pulak apa yang dia cakap kat belah sana. Mungkin the other side takkan percaya apa yang orang lain cakap sebab bagi dia, kekasih dia saja yang betul. Kalau aku jadi dia pun, aku akan tetap percaya apa yang boyfriend aku cakap. It’s hurt to know the truth. Tapi sampai bilakan? Rasanya bila dah kena dengan batang hidung sendiri, barulah tahu yang kita kena tipu hidup-hidup. Sebab aku dah rasa kena tipu depan mata ni macam mane. Terang benderang bukti depan mata, tapi aku denykan jugak kebenarannya. Aku percaya apa yang dia cakap sampai satu tahap, aku memang dah tak boleh nak terima lagi.

Aku bukan nak malukan diri sendiri. Cuma nak tegakkan satu kebenaran saja. Masing-masing ada hak untuk menilai. Kalau nak salahkan aku 100% pun takpe, aku boleh cakap aku tersepit, aku tak tahu apa-apa until someone tolong aku untuk dapatkan kepastian walaupun aku sedar situasi sebenarnya. Seperti yang aku cakap, aku layankan saja kerenah dia.

I seek thousand apologies from the other half. I know that he hurt. I know I screwed up. Bukan sikit but to the max. Bukan niat aku nak tipu dia atau main-mainkan dia. Aku tak sedar benda ni jadi makin teruk. Mungkin aku perlu revised balik cara aku melayan orang yang kadang-kadang boleh buat dia perasan sendiri. Other half pernah cakap, even aku takde niat nak buat dia perasan pun tapi kadang-kadang tu terlepas jugak. Salah aku jugak ke?

Sekarang memang aku dalam keadaan yang agak down. Aku perlu stablekan diri aku dulu. Between me and other half, there’s still a hope. Tapi mungkin kena work harder a bit. Masalah aku satu je, distance. Tapi sebab dah janji dengan diri sendiri, takkan nak stop half way kan? Rugilah. Semua orang pernah screwed up. Semua orang pernah buat salah. It’s all up to me untuk fix this thing right.

Other half, I know that you love me. Because you still stick with me when this things happen. You help me to get thru these things. Give me chance to prove it to you. A chances to show to you that I am like what I said previously.

Reza dear, I’m sorry.

semua sudah terjawab

I

Semua dah terjawab. Evidence ada didepan mata. Tunggu nak start the war je. Tapi aku tak rasa nak fire dia lebih-lebih. Orang yang dalam keadaan macam tu memang tak stable perasaan dia.

Tapi aku lah. I screwed up myself to the max. I made him believed, I give him hope, alih-alih it was nothing actually. Bodohkan? Aku yang bodoh sebenarnya. Nak lari dari kebosanan, at last masuk dalam zone yang lagi complicated.

Nak cakap love triangle pun lebih kurang jugak kot, tapi itulah, masing-masing ade intention masing-masing. Aku dengan agenda aku sendiri dan dia mungkin nak cari extra entertainment and bump! We meet up at the same time. But I don't blame him and I'm not mad at him at all. I'm just dissapointed only. Being lied straight to my face.

I know I’ve been played. I’ve been in that situation before, cuma aku layankan saje kerenah dia. Nak tengok sejauh mana dia boleh pergi. Terima kasih jugak kepada yang membantu. Sebab tanak this thing drag so far and get complicated, everything dah terjawab. Percaya atau tidak, kedua-duanya sedang nak build the relationship again. Tapi aku tak rasa it will be the same again.


II

Aku teringat these phrases “go and search for the perfect guy. u end up with no one”. Seriously I kept thinking bout it. Siapa aku yang boleh dapat perfect guy dalam dunia ni? I am no one babe. Aku cari lelaki yang tak perfect untuk aku ajar dia jadi perfect dalam dunia aku. Dan aku akan belajar untuk menjadi perfect kat mata dia, so that dia akan nampak aku je. Only me!

Tapi semua tu takkan jadi kalau dua-dua tak bagi commitment masing-masing. Kadang-kadang sorang dah berusaha bagai tak hengat, but the other one buat bodoh je and then sibuk cari salah partner dia je. Sampai bila pun takkan jadi pape.

Jalan terbaik? Walk away? Tak fikir ke perasaan orang yang lagi satu tu? Tanak tahu ke ape yang dia akan rasa? Maybe pada aku, it actually a good idea. Tak payah nak fikir pasal orang lain, better concentrate with myself tapi cuba kalau aku letak diri aku dalam keadaan dia, how would I felt about it?

Aku tak rasa dia boleh terima aku balik. Dengan apa yang dia find out sendiri, dah boleh buat dia heartbroken. And to mend that broken heart, aku tak rasa aku mampu. Walau aku cuba sedaya upaya pun, aku tak rasa It will get back like before. Perasaan untuk berjaga-jaga itu mesti linger around his mind. Dan aku buntu untuk cari penyelesaian masalah ini.


III

Boleh tak aku nak erase part of memory dalam hard disk otak aku ni? Aku dah penat nak kena rewind semua benda balik. Bak kata si dia, “karma has punished you with what you did to me.” Aku hanya boleh jawab “I deserved that.”

it was beyond my attention

Aku tak sedar pulak attention pada mulanya hanya sekadar berkawan, now change to one level yang aku sendiri pun agak confused. And I never know that I was the third person.

Mungkin tersepit atau kena tipu. Its either one. Aku tak kuasa nak fikir yang mana satu. Yang sedia ada pun tetap macam tu jugak even the arguments already hit the limit; still I find it in wrong way.

Tak kuasa nak melayan perasaan yang diri sendiri tak boleh nak tafsirkan pastu nak menjawab persoalan yang sememangnya aku sendiri tak tahu jawapannya. Damn! Nak kata cari masalah sendiri pun ada jugak. But aku tak mintak pun jadi worse macam ini. Sekarang aku pulak yang dipersalahkan. Benda ini aku tak jangka pun nak jadi, it’s really beyond my limits. Nak jaga perasaan orang sana-sini, in the end, diri sendiri tah kemana.

Oh crap! Aku rasa phase few years ago haunting me back. Tapi dalam keadaan lain yang jalan cerita lebih kurang je. Terfikir untuk lari, tapi kalau lari pun, bukannya boleh settle, it will become worse than I thought. So, ape patut aku buat?

Kalaulah aku ada mesin masa hadapan, memang aku dah pergi tengok what actually happen in future, so that aku akan take list down and prepare untuk semua benda yang akan terjadi. Tapi, untuk tahu apa akan terjadi in future, dari sekaranglah kena buat jalan cerita. Memang kena menangis dulu, pastu gembira and at the same time dalam dilemma barulah boleh tahu future akan jadi apa.

Aku benci tahun ni, boleh tak nak tahun depan datang cepat sikit?

and i thought i was alone

I thought I was strong to face this fact, but deep in my heart I realize that I was not strong at all, or maybe because of the bad side of me keep on poisoning me or actually I’m the one who felt it that way?

It’s not easy when previously you have someone close but now you are all alone. Sometimes I felt regret with what I choose. Tapi kalau setiap benda yang berlaku, aku tunding jari kat diri sendiri, it still wont change the fact.

Setiap orang akan merasa diri mereka useless dan bila kadang-kadang persekitaran juga terlibat sama, ianya seperti membuat diri lebih rasa down. And this is what I feel now. Aku sebenarnya macam tahu what reason behind all this things, tapi sebab malu nak admit yang mungkin akan memalukan diri sendiri, so I just kept it to myself. But I think few of them ada juga yang tahu kot.

That’s why I need words therapy dari anonymous yang ada di sekeliling aku ini. Sometimes rasa macam ramai sangat orang ambil berat, seronok sangat, sebab kita tahu kita tak keseorangan. Tak kisahlah whether dia dekat atau jauh pun, still I can felt the bonding.

Tapi bila dah hari-hari dapat words therapy, some say it’s not well. Sebab bagi kita, kita just anggap diorang as a friends tapi not for them. And I think I made few mistakes sampaikan tak perasan jadi third person. Either aku tersepit ataupun I’d been lied by them. Aku malas nak fikir banyak-banyak. Kena tipu ke, nak cover ke, macam-macam alasan will appear. So, the best thing untuk tidak meng-complicated diri sendiri, better duduk diam-diam.

Mula-mula memang seronok. I admit it, tapi bila dapat tahu benda yang unexpected, it actually made me feel down. Rasa macam kena tipu pun ada jugak. Mungkin sebab terlalu teruja kot. And part of it, aku memang cepat bosan. Kalau macam itu je dari mula, takde adventure lansung, memang aku tutup buku and find another books.

Tapi bukanlah setiap kali aku bosan, aku tutup buku, aku flip jugak to the next page. Mane tau ada benda yang interesting yang aku tak treasure lagi. Aku rasa aku perlu cari diri aku yang sebenarnya before I jump again to be in circle of people that in a relationship.

Rasanya, fling around untuk memuaskan perasaan sendiri salah tak?

bila dah tak suka

Tu lah, time sayang, semuanya indah. Bila dah jumpa yang baru, semua jadi taik. Bodohkan?

Aku memang tengah panas hati ni. Aku mengaku memang salah aku, tapi tak payah kau nak kurang ajar dengan aku. Hutang aku pun kau tak terbayar. Nasiblah aku halalkan semua benda yang kau makan selama kau dengan aku.

Kalau tak, memang dunia akhirat hidup kau akan tetap macam itu jugak. Dengan sapa-sapa pun, aku gerenti kau takkan dapat apa yang kau nak.

Semoga berbahagialah wahai manusia sekalian. Tak luak pun kalau aku berebut nakkan kau balik. Ada faham?

Tak kisahlah nak cakap apa pun, like what you said, semua benda dah settle. Sekian.

another journey begin

Will be leaving JB in 1 hour from now for my cousin brother's engagement. Already done with my stuffs and now the final check up.

Called someone and we talk a bit about the track that we discussed before. I told him that I'm out of town for this weekend for engagement ceremony. He asked me about it, just to played around with him I told that engagement was mine. His reaction was not okay at all, and I laugh to bit.

He talking about his future with me. When I told him about marriage thingy, he said at the moment he still want to enjoy his life. And I think I find some clue about it. Well, I guess this one will be like one stop journey again before I reach the destination.

At least I found something, even it's still in early stage, I already can smell the ending. Perhaps I should just put some ingredients to spice it a bit.

I'm in the middle of difficulty. I hate being stuck in this dilemma. This year was really not on my side. Everything goes wrong since the beginning. And still, its already past half year, it still not fix like what I expected. When will this dilemma goes off? When will I be happy like I used to be and not thinking about my boring life again and again? Either I'd be punished by the karma or it just some sort of healing moments for me.

I hope one day, there's will be someone to take my hand and pull me out from this zone. oh! I wish it could be happen soon.